My Great Escape

Look at this picture? What do you see?

I see something that my heart has been aching for for too long now. I need freedom. A great esacape. Look at how he can just rejoice and celebrate in being alone out there in nature, no blackberry, no iPod, just him, surrendering his fears and committments to God (maybe that last part was my own artistic rendering).

Either way, I enjoy life. I do the things that I believe that I want and that God wants. Sometimes I think that I try to enjoy life a little too much. This is evident in my recent near death experiences (too many of which I have had in the past 3 years...) and the sheer number of activities I am involved in.

Here is my confession. Not many people know this about me, but I have had high levels of anxiety with occasional anxiety attacks over the past few years. Recently my coping mechanisms have not been helping as much, and I have really not been relying on the Lord as closely as I should be. Last night I got a glimpse into my reality that I need to change.

After a week of not being able to sleep before 3am, I had another anxiety attack. It is very obvious to me that I am too overextened. I do not have time to just chill, and every minute of most days are planned to the tee. For instance, every night this week I have had some committment to keep. I found out about a memorial service for a dear friend this weekend, and freaked out because I thought I had too many commitments to make it!

I have a committment to my dog.

A commitment to my family.

A commitment to my friends and relationships.

A commitment to Younglife.

A commitment to work.

A commitment to my small group.

A commitment to my church.

A commitment to PYBFF.

A commitment to myself.

A commitment to SCES.

A commitment to Wyldlife.

And honestly... I think there are more. This is the list in order of how I honor them too. This has GOT to change. I need to get away from my commitments, I need to get away from my calender, and I need to get away from my Blackberry to focus on what I want and what God wants in my life. I can not carry on the way I am.

Phillipians says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Ironically enough, my small group has been praying for me to guard my heart this week, and this verse seems to be what is getting me through.

I want to be free to live a life of joy as God intends, but what I've realized is that although many things seem nice or fun, it is not full of joy when you feel commited to it, only to fulfill someone else's desires or requests.

So I am taking off work early today. No, I didn't bring a change of clothes. No I didn't bring sneakers. No I didn't bring dinner. And no, my phone is not charged.

But you know what I do have?

I have a bible, a need to be alone with the spirit, and a place.

And that should be just fine for setting me off on my journey.

Just fine indeed.