Christmas in the Potts Family

So Christmas was a crazy and hectic time.  I love my family and so it was very good to be back in Pennsylvania with them.  It also made me realize how much I love my best friends like family.  I spent Christmas morning with my family in front of our Christmas tree, and just sang and talked and then we went to church as a family.  That was so heartwarming.  I remember when church was kinda an afterthought.  Now I see the merging of my favorite thing in the world with my favorite people in the world, and it makes me smile to see the convergence of the two.

I really enjoyed watching Jeff Dunham with my family and laughing about the jokes, and making "christmas e-cards" for family and friends.  Beth and I came up with cute video dances for "I want a hippopotamus for christmas" "christmas in kilarney" and "melikilee mwaha" It was fun to just be crazy silly and send that love to some great kids. 

I also realized that I have a crazy family.  No really my family is crazy.  Sitting at my family dinner is like a warped soap opera.  And you know what?  I love them all.  They are my family, and although being with all of them sometimes is a bit exhausting, I know that not only do I love them, but also I would do anything for them.  No real in-depth updates, just an overall generalization that I love my family and I love my life.  And I love who I have become, and I love the people God has put in my life.

<3

Part of a great adventure...

Ok so happy Sunday before Christmas!!  There has been so much going on right now it is ridiculous!  I also just want to say that Christmas is just around the corner.  Is anyone else surprised by this?

Let's start with Tuesday.  Tuesday at small group we met, ate dinner, and hung out with each other.  It was the last time we would all be in community like that for a while.  We did Secret Santa, took a few great pictures, and just enjoyed each other.  It was beautiful and wonderful.  It will be one of my more  fondly remembered evenings for a while.  

Friday was my work holiday party.  At this point I had already worked for about 60 hours for the week, so honestly being around more work people was just not what I was looking forward to.  I had to sit at the table and check in employees and hand out drink tickets.  I finally got to sit down for some dinner, and it was so awkward.  I have a few friends at work.  Only one that I really like and would hang out with outside of work.  Of course she was super late because traffic is bad in DC, especially on a Friday... in the rain.  So I sat awkwardly with some people who had no one at their table, and I felt bad.  The older man David was chugging his wine, and then as the evening progressed, continued to hit on me, only adding to the awkwardness.  Meanwhile, my wine glass was empty.  The waiters kept coming around and still no wine in my glass.  So I finally flagged down my waiter, and say, excuse me, can I get a glass of wine?  He says only if you show me your ID.  ---- At the CORPORATE HOLIDAY PARTY AT THE RITZ CARLTON - they carded me... that was so embarrassing!  I ended up sitting with the security folks and Lili decided she wants to set me up with her son.  I am thinking eh... where is the harm.  But THEN Doug and John decided they also want me to date their sons...  ohhhhhhhhhh goodness.  But I have found it.  The best way to find men.  Befriend their parents at work!

Anyway after dinner I had about enough of the holiday party.  After my 1 and 1/2 glasses of wine, as I am saying goodbye, my boss pulls me aside and expresses sincere concern for my intoxication levels and going home.  I told him I had little more than one glass, and I have an entire metro ride home before I got to my car.  He was very insistent that I had been drinking heavily and needed to be escorted home.   How do you handle that?  I wanted to tell him, NOT DRUNK, NOT EVEN CLOSE!  I was able to convince him that I was fine to walk to the metro with someone and would be absolutely fine to metro and drive.

So I was so thankful to head out of the holiday party, and headed to Stefan's house for the YL party.  I got there just in time for dirty santa (white elephant).  It was just so much fun, I love my YL friends.  We hung out all night upstairs, Stefan, Buffy, Kristina, Lita, Nick, Emma, Amanda and I.  We got to hang out, joke, and talk about how YL and WL is going to look with Amanda gone.

Saturday Kyle and I went to Amanda's to pick up a new sofa.  We of course got distracted and ended up looking at the luxury condos near Grovesner Metro in the $1million range.  Hahaha, yea we are dreaming, but they were beautiful.  It made me excited for whenever I have a man to go shopping for a condo or house with!  It is exciting to consider starting a family and having a home.  Then we got the sofa, which led me to rearrange my room to incorporate my loveseat.  Then I went shopping and to California Tortillas for lunch, and it was sooooo yummy!  Then I got ready to head downtown with Sarah and Holly for our girls night.  It was so much fun!  Food, wine, new friends, and catch phrase?  Such a great time.  

Today was the best though.  Chris came down for the Eagles game, and we went to the Redskins stadium.  I had the best time.  It was so cold, we were as high up as you could possibly sit, and it took us forever to get there.  But you know what?  It was soooo great.  I just wish they had won.  The Eagles just could not deliver today and it was sad.  I didn't get to say goodbye to Amanda.  That was sucky but I know she needed to get ready to go.  It is just weird to think that Tuesday I won't be hanging out at her house for dinner.  We are planning on getting together tomorrow and so I am going to try so hard to get there.  This is going to be a crazy week at work, and I am not looking forward to these deadlines and deliverables being forced on me.  But Merry Christmas on Thursday!

Let me tell you a story about old man Joe

Old man Joe.  I really liked that man.  You know those people that are just very intriguing? Joe was like that.  He didn't say much until he got to like you. I remember my first day at the law firm I saw Joe.  I couldn't figure out how to work my time card.  He said hi to me and I said hi back.  He asked if I worked there now, I told him I am the new HR assistant.  He looks at me and goes, well sweetheart, a pretty girl like yourself can't work the timecard?  Better learn, fore you drive them boys crazy.  And that was Joe.  I was the new HR Assistant, and Joe said probably the least likely thing a new HR Assistant would hear.  My first impression of Joe: a hardened smart alec man, wreaking of cigarettes and with crooked teeth... yet very intriguing.

Over the next few weeks I got to know Joe better and better.  He took to me pretty easily, and he didn't do that to most people there.  Joe and I had a great relationship, he asked me a lot about college and God, and dating and friendships and dreams, and listened very much.  Joe told me the stories of his wife.  He would get me really going with these stories about his wife.  One day the two of us are sitting in the lunchroom, and I asked him about what he and his wife were planning to do for the weekend.  That is when I found out that Joe's wife was dead.  She had died two years back from lung cancer.  Then Joe just went on and on, talking about how the sweet girl (he always called her his "sweet girl") never so much as puffed on a cigarette, and he smoked for 35 years, and she died.  It was really sad, but what really got me was when he explained to me that with every puff of a cigarette he took he felt close to her again, yet somehow felt he was killing her all over again.  What a sad life!  Joe has lived as a constant slave to his own guilt.  He is a slave to his addiction as well as his guilt and loneliness missing his "sweet girl."  

That story makes me really sad for Joe every time I think about it.  I really like that man, but also think about what a terrible life it would be to constantly live in guilt and loneliness.  But how often is that us?  How often do we choose not to live in the freedom of life, love, and faith and cut our guilt and loneliness and seek the things that are wonderful?  My prayer is that I find the strength to cut my chains, and that we all do.  How much better will it be when we can trade our regrets for dreams and faith... in everything we do? 

The reason I liked Joe so much was because he was genuine.  He really wanted to be my friend, and have a friend of his own, but I know that I could never really be friends with Joe, because he was always trapped.  Let's not let that become ourselves...

Is it really only Tuesday...?

Ok so I am ready to put my head through my desk today! New York was so great, but very much so contributed to my lack of sleep that I was already suffering with. Yesterday I of course had to stay up and watch the Eagles kick the pants off of the Browns (honestly I was so tired, I THINK that is who we played, I can't even tell you for sure!) What a terrible week to detox my body from caffeine! I feel like my head is 100 pounds and it is so painful! This is going to be a long week anyway, we will see if I make it. But I think it is really important that I suffer through this for a few reasons, so although Tuesday is looking bleak, I am hoping the rest of the week will get easier and easier.
Tonight is the Christmas party/ Goodbye Amanda party. Wow, it is going to be so weird with her not being here anymore. I hope she and her family have a great life down in North Carolina and that God just blesses them in so many ways. But she was the first "real friend" I made down here, and it is going to be hard to say goodbye to her so soon after meeting her! My Tuesday night small group has for all practical purposes been one of the highlights of my week, week after week. I love the girls I am with, and I just hope this changes the dynamic of our group in a positive and challenging way.
Work is going to kick my butt this week, I have soooo much pressure to get these documents collected from everyone and in such an extreme timeline. I hope work honors the Dec. 26 new Federal Holiday that G. Bush just declared. Because really... that would be so great! It is so hard to believe that Christmas is only one week away! ahhhh!! Yes! Anyway, back to work, our holiday party is this Friday at the Ritz downtown, and I had to do the ultimate embarassing thing, and RSVP for me and a date, and then go back and say, just kidding. No date. Literally Beth looked at me like, ohhhh I am sorry you have no date anymore. Ack! But it is for the best anway, I have to run the welcome table and greet everyone. I feel like it might be awkward, from what Kyle told me about his holiday party I hope not to see any of that. I do not want anyone to be going to the hospital like his, or have scandoulous stories going around the office on Monday. So, here is for a lot of work this week, and having a great holiday party where everyone behaves themselves! *Cheers!*

Weekend in NY

So you might have expected it, but New York was amazing!! Friday night rolled in around 9 and headed through Penn Station to the Long Island Rail to head out to Rockville Center.  It was really great to see Jackie again!  It's so weird from living with your best friends all the time to rarely seeing them.  Of course we didn't go out, but because I ate a salad at 1:15 that afternoon and nothing else until I arrived in Long Island at 11ish, we needed to hit up a diner.  It was super cool to catch up, talk about work, boys, memories.  Jackie mentioned an internship she was applying for.  With this great farm owner, they head up their own diverse farmer's market.  Where else?  PHOENIXVILLE, PA!! Unbelievable.  It always amuses me when best friends always end up integrated in your life in random ways.  It highlights God's greater plan for things working out they way we can never imagine.

She decorates her ceiling by the way.  Hands down the coolest thing I have ever seen.  I meant to get a picture, but flat out forgot, so if I can grab one from her I will make sure to get that up.  Catherine, Jack and I went to Macy's to get some holiday shopping, and I decided I like women from Long Island.  At least the ones that shop at Macy's.  They always talk to you!  They are brash, but sweet at the same time.  Really one of a kind.  I love them though.  I also realized that I need to shop with Jackie and Catherine more, because I spent little money and got some cool stuff!  We ended up going to Barnes and Noble and then I headed out to Brooklyn.  

I love the city.  This weekend made me begin to regret buying BDawk a few weeks ago, because it might be nice to live downtown in the city.  But either way, I have a car, a place next to work, and things seem to be going ok for now.  Maybe later in my life I will move closer to the city.  (Or to NC like I always joke about!)

When I got to Brooklyn I walked to Bergen St.  Goooooosh, I love being in Brooklyn with them.  For whatever reason I feel completely at home in Brooklyn.  We decorated the house complete with plastic light up christmas trees, tinsel, and an entire brooklyn zoo on their front yard!  We had a penguin, two red birds, a snowman, and a moose with a moving head!  All highlighted by bright christmas lights!  It was quite the fun experience, and Maya got to demonstrate her great talent of decorating by making sure everything was just the way she wanted.  It turned out great though!  I missed Alex and Daniel's soccer game, but apparently they lost so it wasn't a total loss.  It was just so great to hang out with the kids so much, they are all doing great!  Daniel and I practiced his monologue from To Kill a Mockingbird.  It was so much fun, and brought me way back.  And of course, the two of us basically ended up being the drunk character pretending to fall all over each other swearing about Jem and Scout.  Hahaha, it is the little things that make me smile real big!

We watched the Grinch, had a big "family dinner" and just settled in for the night.  This morning we went to the Catholic church downtown, and I loved it!  The priest was fun and funny, and was just great.  Because I never made it to NYC for Janice and JF's wedding, I got to see the church they got married in.  It was just so nice to be there with them.  The priest began to talk about one of his favorite people in the church.  Thomas Merton.  I was BLOWN AWAY.  I am reading one of his books right now.  I love it so much, I can not move deep into the book, I keep starting off all over again because it is so full of wonderful insights and deep attributes to faith.  I really want to either find a devotional to take you piece by piece through that book, or create one.  It wouldn't be hard because it is based completely on his meditation of the Scripture, but very time consuming.  Anyway, then we went to a cute little craft shop afterwards.

We hung out around the house for a bit.  Alex had another soccer game, but I missed it because I was at church with Maya, Daniel, and Janice.  He lost and then came back in a stinky mood, but nevertheless it was sooooo great to see that kid again!  Daniel and I played basketball, and Maya and I watched some Gilmore Girls.  

Then it happened.  We went to the movies.  We saw Twilight.  I SAW TWILIGHT.  OMG.  I have been fighting this cult-like phenomenon since YL Summer Camp.  The worst part?  I actually liked the movie.  It was cute.  Still don't understand the obsession, but yes.  It was cute.  

Anyway all in all I really enjoyed the weekend, and it was so nice to get away.  Unfortunately, old heartaches and friendships came with me, and that was heard to deal with.  But traveling always helps clear my mind, whether it is by bus, train, or plane, and seeing the people I did just made everything perfect.  Now it is time to hold on to my wallet.  Hopefully Christmas comes and goes, and I have been praying about this control thing, and it is seeming to me like something God is leading me to.  I am going to keep praying on it, but I think that January will be a challenging month for me, and I am very excited about it.

My finest (and hardest) December yet!

December is Christmas!!   Today I am getting ready to go to NYC to visit the kids and to see some friends from college.  I have never been to New York at Christmastime, so I am very excited to go and explore.  I also bought a car 2 weeks ago.  That is right my friends! Dudley the white creeper van is finally gone!  So this new car is beautiful.  I love it.  I named it BDawk (Brian Dawkins)  That brings me to my next big news.  My sister is coming down here for the Eagles Redskins game, and we will be going together! I am so happy about this.  I don't care where I sit or anything, I am just so happy to go and watch the Eagles play live that nothing can stop me!  Also going on is Christmas parties, Younglife, Wyldlife (Brand new!) and the upcoming program launch at work!  Last Tuesday we had a wedding shower for my friend Jess, and it was so nice and fun.  I really love my Tuesday night small group.  I am very much going to miss Amanda when she leaves, and am just relying on God that he mold our small group in a way that glorifies him.  It will be interesting to see how it changes with different leadership.  One thing is for certain that I have really come to love those girls, and in a lot of ways they are what makes me feel like this is home.  I love DC, and I love my job, but it was very hard for me to settle here.  Maybe it was because I had a lot of changes and a lot going on, but now things are finally settling for me.  I just hope I can afford to live through January!  Eagles games, NYC, a new car... ahhhhh I need to stop spending.  I wonder if I should set myself up on a self control plan.  Almost like fasting, but financially.  That is a great idea to pray on, I will keep you posted.  Updates about NYC to follow!

Irony at it's finest

Where has this whole thing led to?  It's so hard to look back on a series of events in my recent past and really understanding why God allows the things he does to happen.  Sure everything works for the good of all who love him (romans 8:28).  But I don't see that right now.  I do not see why things worked out the way they did, why I lost a great friend in the process, why I am a Younglife leader feeling so out of place, and why I am so on my own down here in DC with no outlet, feeling lonelier and lonelier and angrier and angrier at God.  It's like every day I am floating out to the ocean, being caught by the current.  I get bursts of energy to get back, and I feel like I need to get home and it is a dire need to be safe with God on the shore, yet inevitably they fail and soon I am exhausted and carelessly drifting out to sea again.  Praying for a lifeboat... praying

She loves her mama's lemonade
And hates the sound that goodbye's make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want
And tries to act nonchalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction

She never stays the same for long 
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't want to feel this way
Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-bewteen a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

Retreat!!

Sometimes, someone really needs to take a step back from life to really see things in perspective. Usually this happens more than a month into a new phase in life, but for me, of course I get that jolt way earlier than expected. So living as a Christian woman can either be a title or a way of life. And the ideal course is for it to be a way of life. I have realized however, that it is all too easy to become lazy in pursuing God, and settle for just the title. In reality though, WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN A TITLE. We are worth a whole way of life, and so is God. We find ourselves as society in trouble when we give God his title and walk away, and so it is with ourselves. In the face of adversity, one is forced to see how their title reflects their life. But to be completely honest, if we are truly embracing our way of life, there is no need for a title. Rather we will get something better. A nickname. A title is a way of addressing someone. A title can be a formal phrase for a job. But a title doesn't say anything about the person. If a book is titled The Storm, do we really know by that what it is about? I bet we can come up with some great guesses. What do we really know about Mrs. Jacobs? Is she happily married and focused on her husband as the only man in her life? What do we know about the Customer Service Rep? These give us only a fraction of understanding of a person, as does the title "Christian." How much more would be offering others if we let people create nicknames for us instead? Nicknames aren't created the moment you meet someone and know nothing about them. Nicknames embrace the life and personality of the person in question. The best nicknames match the personality of the person in reference, and showcase that.
So, getting away from the city, I have realized my life in the past few months has been a showcase of my title. Not my nicknames. I know this because "Christian" hasn't matched with my way of life. "Troublesome, curious, daring, and impulsive" may have been great nicknames for me as of late, but I doubt few would call me Christian. It is very scaring having not only yourself, but others realize that your title has been only that. It is very scary to find out that you are not who you lead others to believe, or even yourself believe you were.
The past few days I have spent in Pennsylvania trying to determine where I am in this identity crises of sort, and how to get past it. I learned that I have to identify me... the WHOLE me, the good and the bad. And I need a nickname for my life, that showcases who I wholly am. And the only way to get a nickname is to live and receive, not to be in control and take. And just like a nickname, sometimes it takes someone really really close to help you find those traits. Fortunately, I have some close someones. Those friends that can stare you right in the eye and know you better than you could have imagined. They lead you to understand new levels of yourself you may not have understood before. My nickname J Pott was random. Given to be by a great friend, and when I was called it for the first time, I knew. This was my nickname. It is me. I hope we all get nicknames in life, and not necessarily the kind that people address us by. I hope that God gives us all many nicknames as we travel through life, and that we may learn more about the depths of ourselves through those nicknames. I know I have over the last few days.

Back to writing songs?

At one point in my life, the only way I found to express my thoughts clearly was through song-writing. It has always been ambiguous enough for me to say what I need, in a way that REALLY means what my heart is expressing, without bearing too much of my soul to others. There are two incredibly strong feelings in my heart right now, and one of them is much easier to talk about, because it eliminates that vulnerability.
The one is being overcome. I took kids to camp with Younglife this past summer and it was amazing. I mean, I had gone there as summer staff and in other regards, but on my last day, I was leaving right after club, and so I sat in the back. More than the worship, more than the talk that Greg gave (which was excellant), what got me was my girls. I knew these girls personally. I knew what they were struggling with spiritually, I knew their personalities, and I knew them as children of God. One of the most beautiful things that will stay with me for a long time, was the image of them down in the clubroom, as close to the stage as possible, singing their hearts out to God. I mean these kids were just pouring their love and their emotion into the worship. and it brought a tear to my eyes. I wish that for every kid, they can experience that moment of pure, raw expression of love to Jesus in a way that is uniquely personal to them.
The other is a completely different train of thought. It is about being the other girl. Now here is where I am looking for song lyrics to describe my life, but I just can't. And let's not lie, there are an unbelieveable amount of songs on just that topic. The emotions that come along with that. Why do I always seem to fall hard for these great men, and allow my heart to get crushed, all while somehow ending up with ridiculous punk guys? It just doesn't make sense. I mean, when I joke with people about let's get married now, haha, you can be my big strong man, insert punchline here, I am actually sorta serious. I have still not learned how to keep my heart focused on God, rather than a guy. And that is why I keep ending up with the wrong guys, and keep getting my heart hurt over the good ones. But these feelings are so charged within me, that I am aching to express them to myself in great soulful phrases, but realistically - I got nothing.  Well, with love and prayer, I can overcome this, make it to a good church, and find a job down here in this very expensive city. Peace for now

To Write Love on My Heart

There are times in life where we can look around and realize the greatness that we are working toward. There are other times where the same work seems so incompetant. For instance, I am currently working at a staffing firm, preparing to begin working in a law office in 2 short weeks. There have been days where I think of my current job and say, 'wow, I am helping people find work and looking for the best people for a job.' There are other times where I look around and think, "if I sit here at this desk for another hour I will make $12. And how much good would that $12 do to a poverty-stricken family in Indonesia?"
So preparing to move to DC for this great job in a law firm seems exciting, but at the same time feels so empty. Sure I will be working to ensure the efficiency and consistency of a workforce so that a bunch of lawyers can help protect people's thoughts, inventions, and ideas... but what is that in the big picture? It is easy to justify it by saying "Maybe someone will create an invention that alleviates many struggles that people in this world face daily." But where is the probability of that?
I often feel like God is calling me to a big adventure in life. I feel that He has blessed me so abundantly in my lifetime, that he also blessed me with a heart to share that abundance with others and I just don't know how. There are three things that have stuck out for me, when considering my balance of life and pursuit of greater things.
The first for me is Younglife. Younglife saved my life in high school, not just spiritually. I have been granted opprotunities to give back in the same way others did to me. I have been awarded opprotunities to go and serve for months, or weekends, or days at a time to help relay the message of the Gospel of Christ to lost and overwhelemed high school kids. It has caused me one of the greatest joys I ever imagined.
Another for me is To Write Love On Her Arms. (Check it out at www.twloha.org) As a resident assistant this past year, I have been responsible for planning floor programs for my residents. By far my favorite one was the Love is the Movement program. This program was amazing. I had two residents who were aware of the cause and supported it, and my best friend had a resident who was also involved in this organization. Maybe because of my experiences or maybe just because the story is that moving, I knew I needed to do something about it. I was able to create posters, create shirts, and have an evening of open, non-judgemental discussion. A few of the freshman were even brave enough to stand up in front of their friends present and were able to openly talk about their own experiences. At the end of the semester they gave awards for best program of the year. Most people nominated themselves, and I really should have. And I realized it's not because I wanted to get an award, but I realize that if I had the opportunity to stand up in front of a few of the most influential people on campus and tell them the purpose, that maybe this movement could take more force on campus and people would be aware of the serious issues of depression, addiction, suicide, and abuse. To me that recognition was worth more than an award on my wall, or title on my resume, or glorification that I did something good from my peers. It was about standing for something bigger than myself.
The last thing weighing on my heart has been international injustice. I recieved an email today that said that in Sri Lanka, a Christian high school girl had been beaten up after told by her principle not to go to church. My freshman year I met a woman named Chi Abad who was a nationally recognized speaker who witnessed first-hand the horror and terrors in a sweatshop factory for our American clothes. Young woman are sold as sex slaves, young 10 year old boys take care of their little siblings because their parents die of disease, 7 year olds are trained for war, people are killed for race/religion/sex/or political views, and all of this is not going away. People are not loving each other they way they want to be loved. I am not proclaiming my need to be the next Mother Theresa, but somewhere along the line, we in society got this all wrong. We send our children to school while the drug cartels in our country are having open fire near the bus stops (Mexico) and think this is ok. It is not ok. It is not ok to think about another person hatefully, it is not ok to be unjust because someone is different, and it is not ok to tell people suicide happens.
All of these issues hurt people. They hurt/kill/injure the people directly involved, they hurt the people who love them, and they hurt the people who want more for the world than intolerance and injustice.

Yet even with all that emotion, it is hard to find a place where one can survive, work hard, make money for their family, and still battle against the injustices of the world. I know I can't tackle all of those issues alone. But where God led my mind last night, was that maybe it isn't always about me. Maybe my passion to be outspoken about these issues is so that with enough people to hear and reciprocate my passion more can be done for these causes than I alone can ever dream of doing. So it isn't about boasting, and taking claim for working hard for a cause. It is all about supporting a cause loud enough that it makes a ripple. If you make a big enough wave, the people on the beach will get wet...