At one point in my life, the only way I found to express my thoughts clearly was through song-writing. It has always been ambiguous enough for me to say what I need, in a way that REALLY means what my heart is expressing, without bearing too much of my soul to others. There are two incredibly strong feelings in my heart right now, and one of them is much easier to talk about, because it eliminates that vulnerability.
The one is being overcome. I took kids to camp with Younglife this past summer and it was amazing. I mean, I had gone there as summer staff and in other regards, but on my last day, I was leaving right after club, and so I sat in the back. More than the worship, more than the talk that Greg gave (which was excellant), what got me was my girls. I knew these girls personally. I knew what they were struggling with spiritually, I knew their personalities, and I knew them as children of God. One of the most beautiful things that will stay with me for a long time, was the image of them down in the clubroom, as close to the stage as possible, singing their hearts out to God. I mean these kids were just pouring their love and their emotion into the worship. and it brought a tear to my eyes. I wish that for every kid, they can experience that moment of pure, raw expression of love to Jesus in a way that is uniquely personal to them.
The other is a completely different train of thought. It is about being the other girl. Now here is where I am looking for song lyrics to describe my life, but I just can't. And let's not lie, there are an unbelieveable amount of songs on just that topic. The emotions that come along with that. Why do I always seem to fall hard for these great men, and allow my heart to get crushed, all while somehow ending up with ridiculous punk guys? It just doesn't make sense. I mean, when I joke with people about let's get married now, haha, you can be my big strong man, insert punchline here, I am actually sorta serious. I have still not learned how to keep my heart focused on God, rather than a guy. And that is why I keep ending up with the wrong guys, and keep getting my heart hurt over the good ones. But these feelings are so charged within me, that I am aching to express them to myself in great soulful phrases, but realistically - I got nothing. Well, with love and prayer, I can overcome this, make it to a good church, and find a job down here in this very expensive city. Peace for now
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