So here it is. Those closest to me will wonder why it took so long to admit it to myself. But I am addicted to boys. I am addicted to having boy friends, flirting, kissing, and just being around boys. I love them. It's been about 2 years since I actually had my heart broken by someone I was crazy about, and it happened again 2 months ago. Although I have dated multiple guys in 2010, my heart has really belonged to one, who I now need to move on from.
The truth is, it is way easier for me to date for fun, but that isn't what I want. Actually, as much as I love boys - I hate them too. Let me explain. We will start with the exception gentleman we call Jonah. It's great to have someone be your best friend, especially when they know you and get you as well as Jonah got me. What's not great is falling for Jonah when he has no intention of catching you. Really... awesome. And I need to let God free me from the hurt and pain. It's been almost 2 months after all! Now this particular story has some twists, but 2 months is not a short bit of time. I can't believe that 2 months from the downward spiral, I am still struggling to move on. THAT'S A LONG FREAKING TIME! But I am rehabbing myself from Jonah. Right into the arms of God.
The other struggle is the endless list of other guys. This part is where I start to sound like a bitch, and you might actually tell me I deserve the whole Jonah situation. But seriously, it is rare to find me single. And what I mean by that is ACTUALLY single. I somehow always have guys in my life talking to me, taking me out, kissing all up on me, but they don't mean anything to me. Yet, I can't get enough! And then I start to feel guilty over leading them on, and then I agonize over hurting someone's feelings until I finally do it, and then I promise to be single again. Inevitably, within 2-3 weeks, I always find myself with a new guy texting me. I wonder if I have the ability to break the cycle sometimes. It is scary. It makes me worry that I may always be alone or caught in this endless cycle.
But I trust in a great God who doesn't want me to live a life of hurt, and it's just as hard to believe sometimes that he would let me be single my whole life as it is to believe that he actually has a perfect person picked out for me. It is quite the crisis of faith. Do you trust that He will satisfy your heart or do you fear that He won't satisfy yours because it isn't HIS. I hope every Christian walks this line at some point. Not because it is easy or comfortable, but because it's honest, and will help you realize if you really do live your life for him (as you may, like me, claim to do).
But I am going to rehab myself of boys completely. (Confession: I told people I was going to give up dating for at least September, maybe even October. I actually was dating a guy for about half of September until just... well actually... we need to have a conversation like asap.) Fortunately, I have a beautiful friend E who is spectacular inside and out, and in ways she will never understand, she is a huge encouragement for me.
But she challenged me.
Single for 2010.
Wow.
I can do this.
I can do this?
Can I do THIS?!?
Rehab begins now, and hopefully this will help me get my head on straight when it comes to interacting with guys. And if it is a failure, expect a christian derivitive blog of Sex and The City to appear soon. (Weblink provided at another time.) Wish me luck, and please don't let me fail on this one!!
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