Retreat!!

Sometimes, someone really needs to take a step back from life to really see things in perspective. Usually this happens more than a month into a new phase in life, but for me, of course I get that jolt way earlier than expected. So living as a Christian woman can either be a title or a way of life. And the ideal course is for it to be a way of life. I have realized however, that it is all too easy to become lazy in pursuing God, and settle for just the title. In reality though, WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN A TITLE. We are worth a whole way of life, and so is God. We find ourselves as society in trouble when we give God his title and walk away, and so it is with ourselves. In the face of adversity, one is forced to see how their title reflects their life. But to be completely honest, if we are truly embracing our way of life, there is no need for a title. Rather we will get something better. A nickname. A title is a way of addressing someone. A title can be a formal phrase for a job. But a title doesn't say anything about the person. If a book is titled The Storm, do we really know by that what it is about? I bet we can come up with some great guesses. What do we really know about Mrs. Jacobs? Is she happily married and focused on her husband as the only man in her life? What do we know about the Customer Service Rep? These give us only a fraction of understanding of a person, as does the title "Christian." How much more would be offering others if we let people create nicknames for us instead? Nicknames aren't created the moment you meet someone and know nothing about them. Nicknames embrace the life and personality of the person in question. The best nicknames match the personality of the person in reference, and showcase that.
So, getting away from the city, I have realized my life in the past few months has been a showcase of my title. Not my nicknames. I know this because "Christian" hasn't matched with my way of life. "Troublesome, curious, daring, and impulsive" may have been great nicknames for me as of late, but I doubt few would call me Christian. It is very scaring having not only yourself, but others realize that your title has been only that. It is very scary to find out that you are not who you lead others to believe, or even yourself believe you were.
The past few days I have spent in Pennsylvania trying to determine where I am in this identity crises of sort, and how to get past it. I learned that I have to identify me... the WHOLE me, the good and the bad. And I need a nickname for my life, that showcases who I wholly am. And the only way to get a nickname is to live and receive, not to be in control and take. And just like a nickname, sometimes it takes someone really really close to help you find those traits. Fortunately, I have some close someones. Those friends that can stare you right in the eye and know you better than you could have imagined. They lead you to understand new levels of yourself you may not have understood before. My nickname J Pott was random. Given to be by a great friend, and when I was called it for the first time, I knew. This was my nickname. It is me. I hope we all get nicknames in life, and not necessarily the kind that people address us by. I hope that God gives us all many nicknames as we travel through life, and that we may learn more about the depths of ourselves through those nicknames. I know I have over the last few days.

Back to writing songs?

At one point in my life, the only way I found to express my thoughts clearly was through song-writing. It has always been ambiguous enough for me to say what I need, in a way that REALLY means what my heart is expressing, without bearing too much of my soul to others. There are two incredibly strong feelings in my heart right now, and one of them is much easier to talk about, because it eliminates that vulnerability.
The one is being overcome. I took kids to camp with Younglife this past summer and it was amazing. I mean, I had gone there as summer staff and in other regards, but on my last day, I was leaving right after club, and so I sat in the back. More than the worship, more than the talk that Greg gave (which was excellant), what got me was my girls. I knew these girls personally. I knew what they were struggling with spiritually, I knew their personalities, and I knew them as children of God. One of the most beautiful things that will stay with me for a long time, was the image of them down in the clubroom, as close to the stage as possible, singing their hearts out to God. I mean these kids were just pouring their love and their emotion into the worship. and it brought a tear to my eyes. I wish that for every kid, they can experience that moment of pure, raw expression of love to Jesus in a way that is uniquely personal to them.
The other is a completely different train of thought. It is about being the other girl. Now here is where I am looking for song lyrics to describe my life, but I just can't. And let's not lie, there are an unbelieveable amount of songs on just that topic. The emotions that come along with that. Why do I always seem to fall hard for these great men, and allow my heart to get crushed, all while somehow ending up with ridiculous punk guys? It just doesn't make sense. I mean, when I joke with people about let's get married now, haha, you can be my big strong man, insert punchline here, I am actually sorta serious. I have still not learned how to keep my heart focused on God, rather than a guy. And that is why I keep ending up with the wrong guys, and keep getting my heart hurt over the good ones. But these feelings are so charged within me, that I am aching to express them to myself in great soulful phrases, but realistically - I got nothing.  Well, with love and prayer, I can overcome this, make it to a good church, and find a job down here in this very expensive city. Peace for now