My Confession: I need rehab

So here it is.  Those closest to me will wonder why it took so long to admit it to myself.  But I am addicted to boys.  I am addicted to having boy friends, flirting, kissing, and just being around boys.  I love them.  It's been about 2 years since I actually had my heart broken by someone I was crazy about, and it happened again 2 months ago.  Although I have dated multiple guys in 2010, my heart has really belonged to one, who I now need to move on from.
The truth is, it is way easier for me to date for fun, but that isn't what I want.  Actually, as much as I love boys - I hate them too.  Let me explain.  We will start with the exception gentleman we call Jonah.  It's great to have someone be your best friend, especially when they know you and get you as well as Jonah got me.  What's not great is falling for Jonah when he has no intention of catching you.  Really... awesome.  And I need to let God free me from the hurt and pain.  It's been almost 2 months after all!  Now this particular story has some twists, but 2 months is not a short bit of time. I can't believe that 2 months from the downward spiral, I am still struggling to move on.  THAT'S A LONG FREAKING TIME!  But I am rehabbing myself from Jonah.  Right into the arms of God.
The other struggle is the endless list of other guys.  This part is where I start to sound like a bitch, and you might actually tell me I deserve the whole Jonah situation.  But seriously, it is rare to find me single.  And what I mean by that is ACTUALLY single.  I somehow always have guys in my life talking to me, taking me out, kissing all up on me, but they don't mean anything to me.  Yet, I can't get enough!  And then I start to feel guilty over leading them on, and then I agonize over hurting someone's feelings until I finally do it, and then I promise to be single again.  Inevitably, within 2-3 weeks, I always find myself with a new guy texting me.  I wonder if I have the ability to break the cycle sometimes.  It is scary.  It makes me worry that I may always be alone or caught in this endless cycle.
But I trust in a great God who doesn't want me to live a life of hurt, and it's just as hard to believe sometimes that he would let me be single my whole life as it is to believe that he actually has a perfect person picked out for me.  It is quite the crisis of faith.  Do you trust that He will satisfy your heart or do you fear that He won't satisfy yours because it isn't HIS.  I hope every Christian walks this line at some point.  Not because it is easy or comfortable, but because it's honest, and will help you realize if you really do live your life for him (as you may, like me, claim to do). 
But I am going to rehab myself of boys completely.  (Confession: I told people I was going to give up dating for at least September, maybe even October.  I actually was dating a guy for about half of September until just... well actually... we need to have a conversation like asap.)  Fortunately, I have a beautiful friend E who is spectacular inside and out, and in ways she will never understand, she is a huge encouragement for me.
But she challenged me.
Single for 2010.
Wow.
I can do this.
I can do this?
Can I do THIS?!?

Rehab begins now, and hopefully this will help me get my head on straight when it comes to interacting with guys.  And if it is a failure, expect a christian derivitive blog of Sex and The City to appear soon.   (Weblink provided at another time.)  Wish me luck, and please don't let me fail on this one!!

100!!!!

Well folks, it's official.  I did it.  Today I logged in my run on daily mile, and guess who can officially boast having run 100 miles?!?

it's me!

My Daily Mile Profile

I am very excited about this, and just wanted to share with all my faithful readers.  (however many I have left here)

In light of the fact that I call myself a runner and have finally hit the 100 miles mark, check out the races that I am lined up to do:

Jingle all the way 10K <- doing this with my roommate, a great friend from summer staff that I still get to hang out with regularly, and probably one or two others as well!

And I am about to begin training for My first half marathon!  That same summer staff friend might join me in training for this one, but we will see.  I think that is the furthest distance I want to go, but that reminds me of my blog entry of great things to do in my life.  This will help me knock a few more off that list!  If anyone is tracking this, you can now cross these numbers off my list:  #4, #11, #13 (once this is done!!), #15, #25 (although I plan to repeat this one many many times!), #41, #43, #47.  Wow, have I been busy this year!

Life is so good.  And I do believe, it's getting better... <3

The gift of serenity...

So although I haven't come right out to say it, I was transferred.
My work transferred me last week to a new location and a new team with a much longer commute.  I was livid about the whole thing, and have really tried to look for the silver lining in this rain cloud.
Needless to say I have found a few.  The actual work is a bit better for me, more of a challenge (which is what I needed and was looking for anyway).  My teammate seems very nice but also like a very hard worker, and is kinda hands off.  I don't like managers/teammates who breath down your neck all the live-long-day. 
The trouble is the commute.  It is about three times farther from my house that my old job was, and in the DC traffic, that can mean up to an hour and a half if I let myself get caught in rush hour.  But they are able to offer the flexibility of working a 7-3 so that I miss traffic.  Although this sounds good, the inner sleeper in me is all in rage.
At least, until this morning.  As I left my house at 6:15am determined to spend the week testing different routes to work, I realized - there is something so incredibly peaceful about the world at 6:15 in the morning.  I love that I get to leave my house before the hustle and bustle of the DC metro area catches up with me.  I love that as I drive to work every day I will get to watch the sun rise over the Potomac River and Washington DC.  I realized this morning that maybe this commute is a gift to me.  This is my time.  I didn't even listen to the radio for half the drive today.  Just drove in silence and enjoyed it.  There is such peace before everyone is reminded of their daily checklist and agenda.  I would love to show you a picture of what I get to see on the way to work, but think that I should leave the picture taking to times when I am not behind the wheel.  (Just a thought...)
But also, for right now I have a spectacular drive home.  It's before things again get too crazy in the DC metro area, but I get to drive through Georgetown.  Along the Potomac.  Along Rock Creek Parkway.  And right now the color of the trees is starting to come in strong.  And soon, they will fade to ice and snow.  And then blossom again with green brightness!  It is so beautiful, and if this ends up being permanent, well I know that at least I will no longer complain about the drive :-)

funshare

Yep, you read right.  This blog blurb is going to be known as 'fun share.'  Just like timeshare or carshare, I am going to share with you the fun.  This one isn't silly or ridiculous, but hope you enjoy it, because it is a good little article that came up on my everyday health email newsletter.  It isn't fun persay... but I do hope that you find some encouragement from reading this.  I mean if this brings her joy through her struggles, how much simpler are my struggles, and I believe I should seek joy in the same way.

Happy Monday!

Stay the Track!

I have no control.  Really.  My life in the last week has been one exercise after another of the Lord just showing me that I have no control.  Certain boys - I have no control over.  Certain relationships and they way I want them to look/grow/develop - I have no control over.  I have no control over my car, or my health (to an extent), or my job.  I just have to do the best I can with each one of them and put my trust and faith in the fact that it will work out.  Nothing is a sure bet, and this is what I'm learning.

We all have dark times in our lives.  I am inclined to believe that I see more of these dark times than other people in my life, but I know that isn't true.  We all have our own issues, and just have to work hard at getting through them.  It is important to remember that 'Life is good, but I do believe it's getting better.'  But it's also important not to discount the struggles that we (inevitably) will face each day, each month, each year. 

I have been a roll with the punches kinda girl.  I always will be.  You can sucker punch me in the face, and I will ice my cheeks and move on.  You can hit me with a car, but I will still run a 10 miler.   Resiliency is something that I sometimes wonder if I have mastered, and other times wonder if I even understand.  Ironically enough, I can fully admit that my spiritual gift may be encouragement - but only because I have heard that from many people.  I still struggle to really see how encouraging I can be, and oddly enough, I search deeply for encouragement from others in my life, and can (selfishly) be discouraged when I don't receive it. 

But regardless, I am a get up and move on kinda girl.  Call it the Philly in me, call it being my father's daughter, or just call it having a tough shell, but I am so glad that I have no control over this life, and can not determine all the outcomes.  When it really comes down to it, the surprises (however challenging) are what inspire me to grow.  And although I sometimes forget that, I realize that we will never survive a challenge without the frame of mind to acknowledge that we can come out a better person than when we went in.  Contrary to my (occasionally) rough persona, I definitely can see the image of the pearl, totally being refined and scrubbed (however harshly) to see myself coming out beautiful and flawless. 

But please do remember me in your prayers at this time (or well-wishes if you aren't the praying type).  Between my job, some important relationships, and finances, things have been looking dismal.  But I can see that this life is only as good as we make it, because we are made for something so much more.  So bring on the challenges, because I got my Jesus-helmet on, and I am taking them head-on. 


And have I mentioned?

Life is so good.  And I do believe, it's getting better.

it's amazing

The difference that can be made in a very upsetting situation by a few really awesome friends, two margaritas, a perfectly timed Frontline Sermon, and a LOT of prayer.

Welcome to Life - Part 6

And even though I am hurt and things are tough,

Life is so good... and I do believe it's getting better <3

(because sometimes that's the only direction it can go...)

blog via blackberry

So I find myself at Rockville Town Center on a Saturday night waiting for some of my senior high school friends from Younglife. It has been a beautiful day, and although September is almost over, between the sun and the heat you would think summer is still in full swing. As I wait here, in the center of the hub of the town, I have the extreme pleasure of listening to a local jazz/swing band. They have just finished a Miles Davis song, and as I look around, I am humbled.
I enjoy people watching... Always have. But as I sit here looking around I see people. And really see them. And even though they are strangers I wonder if this is the way God sees us, yet knows our heart. I see families, friends, and lovers. I see grandparents, parents, young adults, teenagers, kids, babies, and puppies. I see people whispering, dancing, laughing, riding bikes, jumping, walking, listening, and watching. I hear people laugh, and am reminded of two things. 1) There is love all around me right now, and regardless how terrible things in the world may get, this is what we are made for, and as long as we have the ability to love and laugh, we aren't doing so bad afterall. 2) God is here. Very fully here. Regardless of the beliefs of the people here, I know and trust that in every smile, every relationship, every person, God is present and showing abundantly.
This has been a great and beautiful day for me, and it is not over. I am so encouraged and blessed.

Also, I went to AC Moore and picked up a few crafty things.  One I saw and picked up for one of my younglife girls, and the other was the reason I went.  I know it doesn't look like much now, but it will be a beautiful, vintage looking key hook for the Falcon House.  Once the crackle paint dries, I will be writing the well-known second half of Joshua 24:15.

The Jeff Carpella Band wrapping up the set

People and kids playing around town

Charcoal Younglife love right there.  Made from half-burnt smore sticks.

Fun shirt I found at Target.   Almost bought it, but that would have left less money for...

My new crafts!  Yay, so excited to get back into the creative side!  Can't wait to show the finished product :-)

and sometimes...

Your belly hurts.

I have not run in three days.
The Eagles lost on Sunday.
I found out this 'fast' for Sept and Oct is going to be much harder than I thought
(especially when you meet an attractive man friend that want to take you to the Phils game...)
I was in bed ALL day yesterday.
I have offically seen every episode of Glee from last season, and slept for at least 30 of the last 48 hours.


BUT!
I am going to feel better soon.
Hope to go to work tomorrow.
Little Baby Smith was born today!
My little sister turns 21 this weekend.
The Eagles probably won't lose.
I am having an Illadelphia weekend with some of my loves.


Sometimes your belly hurts, but then life gets better and you get to eat ice cream again : )

I am just waiting for that point.
Sorry for the pointless post. 

The current love of my life

In high school, I wasn't a runner.  I was active, but never joined the track team, or ran for fun.  I ran because my coach said, run three miles.  And then I was done.  And I hated it until I was done.

In college I started to enjoy running.  But as someone who wasn't a fit runner, the cold and hills in the mountains of Northeast Pennsylvania proved to only land me in the doctor's office with asthmatic-related respitory problems. 

But, I am a runner. 

I like to run. 

I look forward to running.

I run alone.  I run with people.  I run races.
And sometimes.... I am not motivated.  But sometimes, I surprise myself with my own strength, determination, and resilience of the elements.  I like training.  I like setting goals.  I like pounding the pavement and feeling my muscles ripple through my legs with every step.  I like running through my neighborhood, at the canal, on the treadmill, in DC.  I like running with music, with a friend, or with myself and God. 

And I have struggled for a while about feeling like a runner.  People peg me as a runner, but I always argue with them.  Nah, I just run now and then.  I'm not a real runner, I tell them.  I think it's because I don't think I look like what a runner should look like.  I still have a bit of handle to love, I still worry about if my thighs look fat in my jeans ... or worse... the skirt.   I still worry about if my calve muscles look like other runners, or how I look in my running clothes.

But running with A at the Canal yesterday was the first time I can admit I am a runner.  I do.  I love it.  I encourage other people to run with me, I make time out of my week to run, and I enjoy it.  I run to deal with emotions, to think about things, to push myself, to prove something, and to stay healthy.  I can run with people.  And it doesn't matter who looks more like a runner, but who feels like a runner.  And when I am running, I feel like nothing can bother me, because I am doing what I love to do. 

For the love of the run.

And for what it's worth... DC might be one of the most beautiful, most excellent places to find my identity as a runner.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.

It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.

Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.

It knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.

It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or a gazelle

When the sun comes up you'd better be running.

(But, unless you're a runner, you won't understand.)

-Anon

“Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.”

Life is so good.  And I do believe, it's getting better... <3

I need a new camera

Well, my camera is broken, so I can't capture for you the joyous moments of this past holiday weekend.

But let me illustrate for you the moments I am grateful for:

• Realizing that no matter what guys dissapoint me, I have been blessed with beautiful friends that make me forget about it!
• High School Football games!  (And going by yourself, and not feeling like the most awkward person in the world!)
• Running almost 4&1/2 miles in the exhilaratingly beautiful weather!
• Lazy Saturday morning watching FRIENDS and snuggling with the dog.
• Meeting new people
• Learning about a friend, learning how to love them more. 
• Random phone calls at 9am from long-lost Younglife camp friends
• "Hey Jen... do you still live in DC?  Because... I'm here for the day!"
• Exploring DC... one of my most favorite places : )
• Pure and honest worship.
• Barbequest with friends... followed by barbeques with friends... followed by barbeques with friends.
• More summer staff friends :-)
• A three day weekend.
• Dinner with future-bride-to-be and her hubby-to-be.
• Eating meat again.  Mhmm... Turkey sandwich.
• Seeing prayers answered.
• Running dates with friends.

And looking forward this week to...

• Dinner tonight.  Wings and Younglife.  Perfect combination.
• Ice Cream tomorrow night to kick off the Younglife year!
• Friends and babies on Friday
• Day of Service on Saturday!
• Eagles season starting

Mhmm... Life is SO good.  And I do believe, it's getting better. <3