Sometimes the rain comes, but the sun is not far my friends

So, I haven't updated my blog much lately, even though there has been quite a lot going on. This is because although a lot of the stuff has been great (being with friends, Christmas with family, shopping, great things happening at work...), a lot of not so great things have been happening too. A lot of things that are building up to knock me down and humble me, and make me stronger. A lot of things I would rather not share here. I will say though, that every time I have sat down to write a blog post it has come out desperate or depressing, or both. It's just one of those seasons for me, friends. And as hard as it is, I will rejoice when I have these struggles, because it builds character & perserverence (according to an excerpt from my favorite book of all time - ask me about it if you'd like!). But please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I walk through this challenging time. I also want to invite you to join me in welcoming the new year. My wish is that we all look to the New Year to improve something. To make a change. To take a step. To reach a goal. The promise of a new year is similar to a cleansing. Let us all look toward 2010 as a way of cleansing ourselves from the things that have brought us down, the things that have proved a struggle for us, and the things that we can learn from and use to grow.

I leave this wish for you, and also lend some words for anyone who is finding themselves in that valley like I am, where the rain just keeps beating you down. You will rise to the mountain, and maybe next year is the year that you do it.

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

mhmmmmmm... life is good.

Ok, so sometimes we are reminded of greatness when greatness shines on our life in seemingly not great or dramatic ways.

Like when friends come together.
Like when laughter flows like a river.
Like when prayers are answered.
Like when someone shares good news.
Like when someone shares.
Like when new people come into your life.
Like when old people come back into your life.
Like when people surprise you.
Like when you learn something new about a friend.
Like when you are overjoyed by something small.
Like when you are given peace.

All of these have happened to me in the past few days. And I now am just resting in peace and joy. This week has been crazy. Younglife planning meeting, getting the apartment ready for our party tomorrow, small group Wednesday, small group Thursday, passing out at work, getting the dog ready for 'weekend at grandmas.' But despite all the craziness, I AM NOT STRESSED OUT. Me. I am not stressed out. This is really weird for me. I am always stressed out. But I have been drawing closer to God, and ... gasp... giving up my control!!! It is beautiful and peaceful, and reassuring!

As I posted before I realized I had one of those mentor-type women that I was looking for. And today... well let's just say another one may have dropped into my lap in a very great and surprising way.

Also, with all the running around I do trying to keep up with many different friends in the area, they are all coming to me!! Tomorrow I will have 20 of my closest friends in the area over my apartment to share in the Christmas holiday! Ugly sweaters, potluck dinner, white elephant, christmas music... hmmm... great.

The laughter has been throughout the week, and I expect no shortcomings going into tomorrow. Not only do ugly sweaters and white elephant make people laugh, but my sister and some of the funniest people I know will be there. Laughter... hmm... :-)

One of my girlfriends got engaged! I was welcomed into someone's home and fed and loved. I was given a ride home which was by ALL DEFINITIONS an inconvenience, but a joyful one, as I learned more about the joy of love and selfless action.

I have met some great girls this week. I also just got an email from someone at work that I am excited to get to know. Again... joy.

Some of the people I have shared the most with in life have resurfaced. I am speaking about two people specifically, but just love that you can sit down and be with someone as if nothing has changed over the years. mhmmm...

My younglife friends have taken ownership of their club! That is so great to see. To see the joy and enthusiasm as they plan it, they start brewing ideas... just encouraging!

All in all, I have had a complete transformation from last week to this week, and I love it. It has created me into more of the person that I want to be, and less into the person who runs from God in sinfulness. And now my job is to take all that fulfillment, all that joy, all that peace, all that love, and send it out.

Yea, life is good.

What does an upgrade look like?

So, I am a few short weeks away from having the option to upgrade my phone. I already have a decent phone. It makes calls, it texts people, I can even gchat, get email, and play pandora radio on my phone. So ok... it is more than just decent. But with the temptation of the upgrade, I can't help but think that I am supposed to upgrade my phone. I mean, it is so easy to trade in what I have for something better, right?


Here's the thing about being home. Your family knows you better than anyone else, and my mom totally called me out the other day and called me an 'upgrade junkie.' Am I really an upgrade junkie? Going way beyond the phone right now, I realize that I am an upgrade junkie. Any chance I get to get something better - I take. I want the best. I want to have the best, be the best, and be with the best. What is the best? By what do I measure the best? And isn't 'the best' really just a subjective term that can be different for every one and every situation?

I like to think I have shed my skin of being shallow and manipulative and only wearing, buying, looking, hanging out with, and acting the best. I like to think that in the past 5 years of my life I have grown more, and given up seeking the best, because I have already found it. But really, I still try to upgrade more than I should. My mom knows who I am and who I was better than anyone else in the world, so when she calls me out on that, I know it's true. And I have been living an upgrade life. Maybe it's because everything in life is so easy to upgrade, but really - nothing and nobody is perfect. So why can't I disregard this constant chase for perfection, and accept that the best is what I make out of what I am given...?
At least it should be. And I have been reminded lately that these futile chasings just exhaust me and bring me back to the place at the foot of the cross where I realize what I should have been chasing full-heartedly the whole time. Why I can chase after other things and keep one eye on the cross and still think this is ok, I will never understand. I am just grateful for a Father who is kind enough to remind me of my shortcomings in a merciful way, time after time.
This being said, I have every new resolve to step aside from the futile chasings I have been indulging in the past few months, and instead run the race that matters. I want to stop comparing what I don't have and instead give all that I do have. Bruce spoke at Valley View Church on Sunday about the group of people who went to the shelter at Norristown on Thanksgiving like they do every year. This year, the residents decided that instead of having the volunteers sit down and serve them food, that they wanted to serve the volunteers! What a shock to the volunteers who arrived to serve the needy, only to find out that while they were asked to sit that the residents just wanted to bring them the food, and share their company for thanksgiving. How different that mentality has been from my own! And to think, if I change my pursuit from constantly trying to upgrade to a new pursuit of sharing what I have and giving thanks for it each day, what a change that would be! I get glimpses of that in my life, but I can not honestly say I have lived that way day in and day out. I realize that this is what my heart is attuned for. Living for others. Scranton was a Jesuit college, and prided itself on its mission to create "men and women for others." I have felt most myself and learned most about who I am and what I care about in the midst of focusing on the needs of others. This selfish pursuit is not beneficial to me, it is not becoming of my heart, and it is most certainly not for the betterment of my relationships with God and others. As I welcome this advent season, I want to prepare my heart to be a heart wholly devoted to service. Give God the birthday gift this year, that he really deserves.

My favorite time of year...

Every year there comes that moment in mid-November. It is the moment I cherish for the rest of the year, and the moment that I forget how much I hate the cold of winter. What is that EXACT moment?

The moment I realize that THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE.

Now, I am the kind of person who tries to live with a heart full of joy, and likes to find joy and pleasure in the simple things of life, because after all, this life is a gift, and why not experience the joys in the tiny things we are given each day? But when the holidays come around, for me at least, it is like that seeking of joy - but on steroids. I am not sure what it is about the holidays, but for the first time all year, it's not about me!

The holidays are a time for love, and for family. People are kinder, people give more, and there is constantly exchanges of love happening around us. For me the thought of Aunt Eileen's Christmas Eve party, and our yearly "cousin's picture with Uncle Mike" (yes, we are still able to fit all 25 of us in the picture!), the acts of service (churchs, companies, families and friends making shoeboxes, buying gifts for tags off a tree, serving dinner on Turkey day), and the fact that yes, the 5 hour drive to Philly in all the traffic WILL be worth it when I get to give my sister and brother a big hug and kiss in my Santa hat and cable knit sweater, is just so beautiful. The funny thing is that the week before Christmas I stop thinking about my crazy aunt that is going to cause the drama at the holiday dinner, and I start thinking about how excited I am to sit with my mom on Christmas and sip a Pomegranate Martini with her. I start thinking about the gift exchanges, and the hugs, and how much has Jeffery grown since I last saw him?

Obviously, anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of ADD so my random thoughts here should not come as a surprise, but really and truely, I love Christmas. And I am not going to lie, I don't celebrate Christ nearly as much as I should during the Christmas season, but I think that is ok with God. I think that this holiday season is a gift to us to remember that we have so much love in our hearts for our family and friends, and that He speaks sometimes most clearly through the love we see and show to other people.

Anyway, all of these thoughts came out today. I was sitting here at work, and realized, HEY! TURKEY DAY IS NEXT WEEK! First I thought wow, I have another race to run after Thanksgiving, hope I'm up for it, and then I realized. Holy Smokes! Next week! THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE! Immediately I pulled down my bookmarks and pulled out for the first time in 2009 the Christmas Station on Pandora. Then I just was filled and a tiny bit overwhelemed by how excited I am for the holidays this year, and about all the important people that I love and am excited to share the holidays with. And maybe the holiday season will be a bit more joy than I anticipated as I hope for a recent romantic interest to come to pass. But hey, we will see what happens, right?

I am so excited for: the Christmas Party at Ladyshire, Ice Skating, Watching a Christmas Tree get lit up, Decorating (already done!), Baking, Watching Christmas movies, Shopping and waiting in INCREDIBLE lines, Christmas Cards, Gift exchanges, Advent candles, PLENTY of Christmas music, Walking around with someone and looking at Christmas lights (my favorite thing to do!), Spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in PA, Peppermint Mocha at Starbucks, Wearing sweaters with Jeans, and Sharing my first Christmas with my pup!

Ahhh! My heart is happy :-)

The marathon of life and love

I feel like I start more posts with an apology for a lag in updating than necessary. I'll try to work on that...

But wow, what a whirlwind this life has proven to be lately. First, I would like to speak to my accomplishment of my running! Bevin, Ami, and I did a 5K on Saturday, and then last night I ran 4 miles. Training for this 10K is proving to be something that is possible, although it will still be hard work. Hopefully I can avoid hurting myself like I did last time I tried. Anyway, below is a picture of the three of us after our race:

I have really enjoyed that level of activity again, and have really felt so uplifted by running recently. The date for my run is December 13, so be praying!

Another thought on my mind is Fall Weekend. I can not believe a year of leading Younglife has already gone by, and all I can think is "Wow, I am so blessed and grateful - God has truly given me the gift of this leadership position." I thank God for the RM girls every day, and have loved more, grown more, and sought after Him more in the past year. :-) Myself, another leader, and 7 girls are all heading to Younglife's Rockbridge with hope of a fantastic weekend!

This Friday (Nov. 13, 2009) will be the "To Write Love on Her Arms Day" Please check out the website! You may (if you are mom or Hailey) remember reading a post over a year ago referencing this organization and movement. As someone who has a personal belief in this movement, I encourage you to check out the website, learn the story, write love on your own arms, and when someone asks you about it, do not shy away from it. Tell them the story of redemption, and hope, and love. It really can change people's lives.

(http://www.twloha.org/)

After a few weeks of intense spiritual struggle, I have found peace and rest in my heart. Ironically it is not to slow down my life and indulge in less committments. It is to live a life the way I vowed to when Jackie passed away. I still think about that beautiful woman often, and think about how proud she would be of me today as a corporate, independent lady, living out her faith in a very real way. When I feel defeated by my own schedule and committments, I think of her smiling beautiful face. It is because of her that I am able to love my own mother more, strive for what I really want and know I can achieve, and spread joy without ceasing. Yea, sometimes it's upsetting that she never got to see me grow into the type of woman that she knew I was when Craig first brought me home from tennis. But she knows, and everytime I see that willow tree angel, my heart melts for her, and I give thanks to him for the impact she had in my life.

So as I continue to run, I will run the marathon. I will set my goals and not be distracted by the potholes and uphill stints in my run. I will run for that love, that faith, that hope that I have had for myself and seen through others.

Celebrating a happy halloween!

This year for Halloween we decided to get ready for halloween and get candy for trick or treaters.

Katie and I being the snackers that we are, I strategically bought a bag of 3 Musketeers bars, because that is my least favorite chocoloate bar ever.

What did I learn this year for Halloween?

You need to plan to be home to give out Halloween candy, and oh yea... I apparently like 3 Musketeers bars now.


Did not see this happening.

A person of hope...

I want to be genuine.

I want to be a positive influence on the people around me.

I want my laughter and smiles and joy to catch like wildfire when I am around others.

I want to bring hope to the people I love, work with, lead with, and encounter randomly.

I want to be a living image of Christ to others.


In a world where we are always being regimented. Where we are always on the move. Always compartmentalizing our lives and interests. Always concerned with ourselves.

I want to be a person really and truly dedicated and in love with others because they are beautiful and perfect in every way.

The world really needs more of that, don't you think?

dink, dink, dink, dink...

Jack Bauer has returned!!

Albeit, this time only in my dreams...



Last night I had the best dream - of all times - and just felt the need to blog about it!

So last night, roundabout 4am I was recruited by Jack Bauer. He was in a tight spot, and as it turns out that there was a corrupt embassy holding Peruvian cargo crates of oil that was desperately needed in a hospital across the ocean in Bethesda. (Which, if you know anything about DC, there is no ocean dividing Washington DC and Bethesda...)

And he needed ME.

So there I am, dressed up in my kevlar vest, moving my way through a hidden underground section of the Peruvian Embassy. Jack Bauer and I are working together, one team, to defeat the bad guys.

At one point, Jack turns to me, grabs my shirt and says "We do NOT have time! We need to get this oil out of here and into the hospital now! There is a medical evac passing by here in 3 minutes, take this!" And he hands me this extra strength wire-reinforced rope. So I climb up the ladder in the corner put some explosives on the roof, and grab a wire hanger and my detonator. I fashion the wire hanger to be a cargo carry and tie it to the rope. 20 seconds later, I detonate the roof, and throw the wire/rope up to catch on the runners of the helicopter flying overhead. Next thing you know, I am in the air, fastening the hold between the wire hanger and the rope. I take a deep breath and as we fly over the DC Ocean, I look back at Jack Bauer, hoping - and secretly knowing - that he would be ok. I look forward at the hospital, and knowing that the oil will get back in time, I dive into the ocean. Ready to wash my hands of this mission and be ready and willing for the next time Jack Bauer needs the help of the incincible Jen Potts.

Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be...

... Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

This song has struck me over and over again, and may be one of my favorite songs of praise. It is very honest, and so beautiful! This part up there is just an excerpt, of a song that I like to share willingly.

This has been a very difficult weekend. I came face to face my with own sinfulness and vulnerability in a way I haven't in a very long time. I am still trying to process everything, and have no intention of making this some sort of published internet confession. But out of the bad, I have been able to see the good. I have realized many of my own shortcomings, and many of the shortcomings that I present to God. It's like giving a teacher a book report for a book you never read. Handing over this crumpled mess of something you downloaded from sparknotes and tried to make sense of - all the while still expecting an A.
Fortunately, my teacher is more merciful and powerful than the teachers from Phoenixville High School...
But there is no reason I should be handing in half-written book reports. My teacher deserves the best, and how fast I am to forget that sometimes! It actually pains me to see that ugliness that I have been handing off as my best, and realizing that I was created to enjoy the whole book! And that really the book is beautiful and tragic and funny, and everything you would imagine from a novel from the best author... but I missed it to downgrade to the sparknotes version.
But I do need to offer praise where praise is due, because along with realizing my own incompetence and utter need for undeserved grace... I have been blessed with many great friends.
There are some friends that you just know will be at your wedding, and there when you call them, and the first to laugh with you, and the first to cry with you. Those are the friends that enrich your life, teach you, make you grow and love in ways you never thought you could. I know mine. Nadine- the most humble and beautiful woman in my life who has walked beside me through it all and never loved me less because of it. Beth - she is the best sister I could have ever imagined; so in love with life, and so driven to see it lived fully. Emily - one of the kindest and most selfless girls I have ever met. Lita - so strongly encouraging and supportive, while never letting her charisma fail or her mouth run out of words of joy and love. Kyle - who has seen all my downs and all my ups, and can laugh at me and with me, but still be there as the big brother I never had. Jackie - the forever friend. One of the most head over heels in love with her Lord people I have ever met, and so devoted to the people she loves in life. Steve - a man who's honesty and authenticity just pours out of him in everything he does.

This post is here not so they will see this (maybe one or two of them at most actually read this - and that is only when I make them...) but because they need to be praised. But that is my current troop (not a full list of the people that I love) but the people that for where I am right now physically, spiritually, and emotionally have been the type of warriors I want on my team. Pushing me to be better, draw closer, search harder, and never accept less than what I am intended for. And I praise them and thank them for that in ways they will never even know, and likewise I praise God for the blessing each one of them has been.

It is odd to look at a situation that could have been bad, and to fully understand it all, but also to just be so overwhelmed with joy and love and grace. I am so thankful right now for this beautiful mess I am, and that I have a God who wants all of that, and that also wants to give me friends who can handle that.

best metro ride ever!

Ok so here I am today on the metro coming back from work. I am minding my own business just like I do most other days... There is a middle-aged brunette woman reading a metro map on the yellow line sitting in the seat perpendicular to me. The lady leans toward me and asks "how many stops until the Chinatown stop?" Since I didn't really see what stop we had just left, I told her "3 or 4. That's where I get off too, so I will make sure you don't miss it." She smiles and says thank you. She then says to me,"I need to take the red train then, we are going to the zoo." Trying to be helpful I tell her "well then you can follow me, because that's the train I take to go home too." I felt kinda bad for her, I remember my first time navigating the L train, the first time on the NYC subway, and then when I first moved to DC and had NO IDEA where I was going half the time for at least a month.
Well she took my gesture as an invitation to conversation, which usually I am ok with, but just had a really long day at work. So she begins to ask me questions 'Am I from the area? Oh did I like Philly? Aren't the people here so much nicer?' and starts telling me about how she is visiting from California, and they don't really live near the city, but when they go, the people are so mean.... yadda yadda.
Then comes the great question. 'So, What do you do?' She asks me.
(sidebar, Sarah and I have been planning for sometime now creating an elaborate story to tell someone about how we are really half sisters living in a different countries reunited to find our father. Just something ridiculous that we never really expect to work, but thought would be funny to try to pull off...)
So as soon as this question comes out, the devious, sly lightbulb went on in my head. Here is a chance to be creative, I thought...

So I answer her. "Actually, it's kinda unconventional. I teach anger management classes with scuplture and balloon animals for people who have been in trouble with the law. " She bites. "Really? I didn't know that was a real job!" I say 'yea, you can pretty much make anything a real job if you have a passion for it and clients.' She says back to me - 'I don't really imagine a bunch of angry people who have been arrested doing art and balloons.' Valid point lady. Maybe this is the time you choose not to believe me. But she didn't...
I respond to her "Oh yea, you would really be surprised. You know people like that are just misunderstood and need a good outlet for their anger." She looks me square in the eye and goes 'Wow. That's cool.' (I'm thinking yea... of course it's cool, it's make-believe)
She asks me then if that is a full time job. I said "No, not really. But I have other ways of making money." She goes, "Oh, like another job?" (and let me reassure you that if I wasn't completely making up every second of this, I would have been highly disturbed my the level of intimacy this metro woman was trying to get to...) So I tell her "yea, I actually breed rare pets." Of course she wants to know - 'what kinds?' So I explain to her more about my make-believe life... "Actually I raise and sell rare pet sea turtles."
This is the point that Cali lady should have written me off as a nutjob and moved her seat, but instead, she says. "That is really interesting. I didn't know people had sea turtles as pets. Who buys them?" I of course educate her on this rare job by telling her that "Yea they are really great pets, but they need a lot of space to swim, and are very expensive to take care of. Most people can't afford to buy or keep them." So she then asks, "So it's mostly rich people then? Have you had any politicians or celebrities buy one?" I then told her "Yea some. Mostly politicians wives, young singles living in northern virginia, and a few celebs." She wants to know who, so I pull out the most random list I could think of "Kirsten Dunst, Tom Brokaw, and the Olsen twins."
She says, "Wow, that is really cool that you do all that." And then just for icing on the cake I told her I also sang in an indie rock band and we played at a bar not far from the zoo, actually. It's called Ace of Spades and they have the best buffalo chicken wraps in DC. Then we got to Chinatown, and she followed me to the red line platform to the shady grove side. She got on the same car as me, but sat kinda farther away (this may have been the first smart move the woman made the whole time as I either sounded like the strangest most interesting individual ever, or a complete crazy lady). I did look over to make sure she got off at the right spot. I would like to believe that this woman was just entertaining me, entertaining her, but she very well may have also believed me too.
As I stated earlier:
best metro ride... EVER.